Reflection

I haven’t updated for a while, not because I haven’t had anything to say – but just because I haven’t had the time to sit down and think it all out. I’ve had a lot of thoughts roaming through my mind for the past few days, some good thoughts, some okay thoughts, some… you know, same old same old. For the most part, I’ve been feeling really well, and really proud. If you could see from my last post, I’ve had more inspiration than normal lately. I think I’m finally putting 2 and 2 together, and doing what I need to do, and not making it a chore like I always used to.

In the past years, I have tried dieting in the form of pills, exercise, not eating, depression, every fad diet out there it seems which includes LA Weight Loss (EXPENSIVE!!), Weight Watchers, plans with a close friend because “I was going to listen to her this time, and she was going to kick my butt in shape” and all sorts of other things. If you look back a few posts, you’ll see all the things I bought that I thought would allow me to succeed in my weight loss. I have spent ungodly amounts of money the past 6 months of things that truthfully, I don’t use. I can honestly tell you, I haven’t opened up a biggest loser cookbook and made a single thing out of there. I have spent oodles of money on those. I had the 30 Day Shred, TBL Cardio Max with Bob, Jillian and Kim, I have the bodybugg, the Wii Fit, Wii Jillian Game, the DWTS Latin Dance Cardio Dance DVD, I even joined TBL online club which gave me ALL of my food and exercise plans, and I’ve joined SparkPeople in the past (which was thankfully free!)… all sorts of stuff, and to be 150% honest with you, I have never ever had the feeling of dedication and inspiration with them that I had now, well other than the bodybugg. I spent let’s see… let’s just tally this all up.

bodybugg: $340
30 Day Shred: $14
TBL Cardio Max: $15
TBL Online Club with 3 cook books: $60 for 3 months
WW Online: $60 for 3 months
SparkPeople: $0 (free and AWESOME for those of you who need only a little extra push)
TBL books (4): $55
Wii Fit: $90
Wii Jillian Game: $30
WW at Work: $200 total with sign up fees and weekly $10 payments for weighing in
DWTS Latin Cardio Dance: $20
LA Weight Loss in 2007/08: $500 or more TOTAL over the course of 6 months (includes sign up fee, weekly bars, etc)

Am I forgetting anything? Let’s see what I’ve spent over the course of the past let’s just say 4 years. After totalling it all up, I’ve spent $1,384.00 on STUFF, stuff that I never truthfully gave my heart to. I will say though, I can take the bodybugg out of that equation for sure (I LOVE THAT THING!!), so that gives me $1,044.00 over the past few years (mainly within the past year) that I have spent on “trying to change my life.” And I never stuck to those things. I gave LA Weight Loss a good chance, I did lose some weight on that, but it came all back on within 6 months of losing it, WW Online just never stuck with me, TBL Online Club didn’t work for me because I didn’t like the program/online formatting, and TBL cookbooks are great, I just never used them. I also have the TBL Fitness Program book and TBL 30 Day Jump Start book which I didn’t barely look through; I wasn’t ready.

Looking back over the past 30 days, I have changed a lot. I started out just wanting to give up… I knew I was big, I knew I had a go 60 or so pounds to lose, but I started getting comfortable in my own skin. I always told myself, “I could be bigger, I could have it worse, I’m not the only one weighing 246 lbs out there, that’s nothing right? Right!” and I’d be on my merry little way to DQ or McDonald’s. I’d tell myself that, and while some people would give their left arm to be 246 lbs; with that being my so close to my heighest weight ever, I had a completely different mind set. I didn’t want to try to better myself, I was going to be fine just where I was at… that was no question. Until, one day it hit me… looking in the mirror and seeing pictures of myself; I wanted to cry. That wasn’t me in that picture, or in that mirror… I didn’t want that to be me. I wanted to be proud, to make my husband proud because I know he wants me to feel better about myself too. Over the course of the past few months, my parents joined Snap Fitness near our home, directly on our way home from work. My dad is a big guy, however only weighing his highest at 255 lbs, 6’1″ I believe he is. He was a big guy, but far from extremely obese… except he knew he wanted to lose a few pounds, he knew he had to do something before his weight continued to raise. And, my mom? She’s 5’8″ 140 lbs… she doesn’t need to lose any weight, but she enjoys working out, she enjoys staying physical and staying strong, both mentally and phyically. Over the past 4 years, since we had a horrible tragic death in our family, she has really kicked her healthy-ness in gear. She has been dedicated ever since to make herself a better person or the person she wants herself to be. She always feels better when she works out, and as an added benefit, or extra kick in the butt, she has a motorcycle, and she wants to make her arms are stronger for holding her bike up. She wants to focus on making HERSELF a more confident person. She can tell if she gains weight in her stomach, or thighs or arms… so she targets that area and works that much harder. Our family (her side of the family) was “blessed” with some extra flab on our upper arms… and she has ALWAYS been self conscious of this… so what did she do? She worked on them! Since my dad and her have been working out at Snap, in the last 6 weeks, he has lost 6.5 inches, gained an inch (muscle!) in his calves and thigh I believe, and lost an inch around his belly, and chest and his biceps and an inch in his neck. I’m not sure if his biceps got bigger or not… and his weigh stayed the same (total though as of this morning, he was down 14 lbs since January – I’m not sure how long that took him, but in the past week he finally got over his plateau and was down 5 lbs! He was SO proud of himself, his confidence level has SKY ROCKETED! My dad, of all people… since when do dads have confidence issues? I never really thought of that much before. Dad also lost a whole percentage of body fat I believe. I am SO proud of him. And my mom, she has lost inches too, and gained a lot of lean good muscle… I think her weight stayed the same, or even went up a pound or two with the muscle gain… either way, they are dedicated, and proud, and motivated to make themselves better physically, and feel better mentally.

The reason I mentioned Snap was because… my parents always always always know that I want to lose weight, that I hate being overweight like I am, and that I don’t do very well at sticking to my guns and giving myself the credit I do deserve. I’ve always been a Daddy’s Girl, I’m an only child… and since I’m built very much so like my dad, he knows why I want to work out (we have the big upper body, big rib cage, belly, wide neck, etc – take a look at my picture history page for proof!) and he knows I want to work out… he and my mom had been talking, and Dad said to me one day, “If my baby (he always calls me baby) joins Snap with us, I will pay for your monthly membership fee.” I said, “Dad! Really? You don’t have to do that.” His response? “I want to do that for you, for my baby… I want my baby to be healthy.” I at first told him, no that’s okay, and that Chris might get angry considering the amount I had spent in just the past 6 months alone on diet/fitness stuff. Then, after a little thought, a week or two passed and I messaged mom at work (we work together at the same company and can chat via instant messaging), I told her, “I’m joining Snap with you guys, that’s it!” And I did…that was that. I signed up that next Monday, and the rest is history. I cannot even begin to thank my parents for so graciously offering to pay for my monthly membership.. I didn’t want them to pay for it, as I gave my check card number to Kari (the owner) first, and then Dad insisted that he was paying for it, so Mom had it changed over. I am SO thankful they offered that to me, it has given me a WHOLE new outlook on working out, and being there. My mom and I along with a few neighbors carpool together to and from work, and my dad has a carpool as well… the Snap we all go to is on our way home from work, so Dad has his carpool drop him off on the way home every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and Mom and I do the same on those 3 days. We all get there together, and Dad, Mom and I will on occasion be working out (treadmill or Arc Trainer) all side by side together. Dad will look over at me and wink or give me a smirk, or I’ll be working on the Arc Trainer and Dad will be a few machines away on the Treadmill and he’ll look over at me and do some funny face and make me laugh, or Mom will be working out, and I can look in the mirrors back at what she is doing, and then I make fun or her, or she makes fun of me (we call each other Losers, or we hold up the L sign when we’re walking by each other, or through the mirrors, or mouth it to each other without saying it out loud, it’s an inside joke, ha! People probably look at us like we’re NUTS!)… and we just laugh, and laugh and laugh. It makes it SO enjoyable to be there with them, it is SO worth it and I look forward to it every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Since I don’t live with them anymore, I don’t get to spend as much quality time with them as I used to, and since joining Snap with them, it has given a whole new meaning to quality time. Who thought I of all people would say we enjoy quality time together, working out… I know I sure didn’t. Anyways, I am so so thankful I have such great parents who support me in everything I do. I am SO lucky.

Since joining Snap, my first day was Monday March 30th. I weighed in at 246.2 lbs that afternoon. (With 250.0 being my highest weight ever in mid 2006, 246.2 was creeping way too close for comfort) I am proud to say, that as of my last weigh in with them on 4/8, I was down to 238.2, so down 8 pounds in 9 days. I am SO proud of myself… I have stuck to this, given it my heart, my all… and I am doing it. Over the Easter weekend, I had probably a bit more to eat than I should have, and I went up 2 lbs, however as of Monday afternoon, I was only .6 lbs up from my last weigh in with my coach on 4/8 weighing in at 238.8. I got on the scale this morning (grant-it no clothes, and in the morning) I saw 233.8 on the scale. When I would weigh in at 238.8 on the scale at Snap with clothes and at 4:30 in the afternoon (after a full day of eating), I would weigh myself that next morning at home, and the scale would read 235.8 (so there is about a 2 lb difference with clothes and without clothes), anyways, this morning when I got on the scale, like I said, it showed 233.8. I was astonished! So proud! I have done well today food wise as well… and I’m hoping this afternoon when I weigh in, that the scale reads between 235 and 236, that would be absolutely wonderful. It’s the littlest things that keep me going, and when I see even .1 down on the scale, it puts a smile on my face. It gives this life style change a WHOLE NEW MEANING.

And as you know, in my last post… When I joined Snap, I joined their Thin and Healthy Program (which isn’t free, FYI for those of you interested in it – however it is VERY decently priced, and so worth it!) – and I will tell you the one on one support they give you is amazing; you’re not just a person or a number or someone who just gives them money to stand on a scale… you are a real person, with true feelings, that needs advice more often than not and they see that. There are over 70 people from my Snap alone that are doing the T and H and seeing them there working out right next to you is SUCH an inspiration… these people have lost tons and tons of weight, it is such a boost to keep doing what you’re doing when you see them feeling so good. They just prove to you that it CAN be done. Like I said, we usually get there right after work, and it is the after work crowd that comes in and we all just get to know everyone, everyone encourages you, and notices if you’ve lost weight, them and the coaches are what keep you going. Everyone is there with you, every single step of the way… I don’t have to worry that I’m alone in this process or will be forgotten about, I don’t have to be concerned that I’m going to give up. I’m just not, I don’t have that temptation like I did with everything else I tried to do. Today for instance, I received a call from them just checking in, letting me know I hadn’t had a coaching session since last Thursday. You’re supposed to have them at LEAST 2 times a week, if not 3… and I was going to do it on Monday, but I just hadn’t written down my food for the that day and the Sunday prior, and I didn’t have time as I was working out with mom and dad and we only had one vehicle (I don’t want to make them wait around for me while I’m coaching, even though I know they wouldn’t mind), so I talked to one of the coaches and said I’d be back on Tuesday (yesterday) to coach, so I drove seperate to town, and got in with my carpool there, because I was going to go straight to Snap after work (my parents don’t usually work out on Tuesdays), but on the ride home I was reading something, and I got horrible car sick and I could not stomach the thought of working out with my stomach in my throat… so I got in my car, turn the AC on high because I had the sweats, and got home… man, I didn’t feel good. Once I got home, got some fresh air, I started to slowly feel better. Eventually after about an hour or so at home, I got a bug up my butt and I ended up cleaning my whole house, worked up a sweat even, like dripping sweat, ha! And then my uncle came over to use my computer and by 9:45, I was tuckered out and hit my pillow! So, today I am going straight after to work out, and coach. I’m excited, I always look forward to it – I can take my time, work out on anything I want – usually I like to spend about an hour and a half there – I do 30 minutes of cardio and spend the rest of the time doing the weight machines, sit ups on the ball (sometimes with a weight ball on my chest, good god that gets painful!), sit ups and leg raises on the floor with the ab roller. I have really learned how to focus while I’m working on the weight machines – focus on which muscle hurts, which muscle is being worked, which muscle isn’t being worked, and which ones I really need to work on. I’m finding tremendous joy in working out; there is something so calming about it – so releasing. If I am not looking forward to going some day at work, or what not… once I get there, it’s like a switch flips. Night and Day! The energy is so incredible there, everyone welcomes you with a smile! I went to a Snap by my in-laws house last Friday, and grant-it, it was during the daytime on Good Friday, but still… it was so… I don’t know… so… boring. There weren’t very many people there, the energy was low, no one talked to anyone, the person that was working just stayed in her office… it just wasn’t like ours. It really made me appreciate ours more, how dedicated and how awesome it really really is! Chris (my husband) and I had joined a snap in 2005 when we moved in together, about an hour and a half from where we live right now, and we thought we better get our butts moving – so we joined, and we only worked out there once. He (the owner) barely showed us the machines, didn’t give us any input on what weights we should use, what machines we should or shouldn’t use, what targeted what on your body… it was just so different, and maybe it has changed since that was 3 years ago now, maybe it’s a requirement for the owner, or person on staff now to show you all of the machines and run you through a little workout, but still… it just makes me enjoy our Snap SO much more!!

Eating has been going great as well, I have really been paying attention to what I put in my mouth – although it hasn’t been very hard since I have been following an eating plan for the past 5 days from T and H. I feel this time around is the last time I cross this bridge… I am looking at this completely different, with eyes and arms wide open. My coach told me, as I’m sure I mentioned before, but I’ll never forget it, she told me when I first started, “It’s not about what you can’t have, it’s about what you CAN have.” It’s not that you cannot have that cookie, you cannot have that ice cream, you cannot have that candy bar, you cannot have that big greasy cheeseburger and fries, because I CAN have it, I can have ALL of those things, every single one of those bad things out there, I CAN have them, but… do I want them? Do I realllllllllly really want them? Are those the GOOD calories that will keep me full for a long time or are they the bad calories that will make me hungry again in an hour or so. I choose to look at this as I can eat anything and everything I want – but do I want it? 9 times out of 10, no! I don’t want it… why do I want to eat something that is going to make me upset, and going to make that number on the scale go up and set me back that much further. What is the point of that? Last weekend on Saturday, I COULD eat that Dairy Queen Blizzard, and I DID, but guess what? I ate about 1/4 of the medium blizzard and threw the rest in the freezer for whoever else wanted to eat it. I could have ate the whole thing, but guilt set in and I did NOT want that 980 calories to impact my weight, had I eaten that whole thing. First off, NINE-HUNDRED-AND-EIGHTY calories!! 980!!!! 44g of fat! 540mg of sodium! 113g of sugar! ALL for a little ice cream! Hold on their batman, that’s NOT something I want nor need… YES, I can have it, but NO (!!) I do NOT want it! That was just a wake up call for me too – I didn’t realize there were 980 calories in that – next time you go to DQ, before you go, take a look at their nutrition guide… I bet you’ll think differently before going, I know I will now! So, since I ate 1/4 of the blizzard, I had 245 calories. 11g of fat, 28g of sugar, and approx 135mg of sodium… that is a little better. Geez. And, as you know I said I went up about 2 lbs over the Easter weekend – I weighed myself nakey on the scale on Thursday morning, I was at 235.8, I got on the scale on Sunday morning after our Easter festivities on Friday and Saturday, and I still was at 235.8 – I hadn’t gained a single pound, I was so proud – that was my goal, to at least stay the same! Then we went to my parents for Easter on Sunday and she had the normal, Ham, Cheesy potatoes (she made 2 batches, one low fat one for Chris and I, and one normal one for others, and to be honest, you could BARELY tell the difference of them!), anyways, I had ham, and a small scoop of the lowfat cheesy potatoes, and some corn, and a bun and then for supper Chris and I had left over ham and a few LF cheesy potatoes and when I got on the scale Monday morning, it showed that I was up 2 lbs – so I definitely think I over did it with the sodium intake on Sunday, but now I’m back down almost 4 lbs if you count the 2 lbs I was up! Persistence pays off!

I’m anxious to see what the scale says tonight when I weigh in. I will say, weighing in 2-3 times per week has helped me TREMENDOUSLY! I will weigh in again tomorrow night, and then return to my normal M, W and F coaching… it has been making an incredible impact on my attitude and willpower! AND, seeing that scale go down more than it goes up has been a huge motivator too – and I’m feeling better. I can feel now that I’ve been working on my abs that my clothes are fitting a little different – mainly right around my waist – and when I suck in, I feel like I’m sucking in – my abs get tight.

Chris has been eating healthy too, and he is doing TBL Online, and he has lost I believe almost 10 lbs now too. He has been working out at the gym at his work after his shift is over, and he has been making his food every day, and preparing the main dishes on Sunday and freezing them so he doesn’t have to worry about them all week. I’m so proud of him… he is dedicated, and that is helping me too! Our house does not have a SINGLE ounce of junkfood in it – not in the fridge, nor freezer or cabinets… notta! Well, there are 3 boxes of unopened Girl Scout cookies, but those don’t even tempt me – I don’t want them, and Chris is supposed to be bringing them to his work friends so they can eat them. I better make sure he takes them tomorrow! I always thought having Chris diet or eat healthy and try to lose weight would have a negative effect on me – in prior attempts, he would lose 5 lbs right off the bat, and brag about it and rub it in my face, when I’m struggling to lose 1 or 2 lbs, and then I’d take that to heart and get discouraged… so I never wanted him to diet when I did… and if he did, I didn’t want to hear about it. So when he said he was going to join TBL Online, I was a bit apprehensive, I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. At first I thought Please, No… but you know? I think since I feel like I’m looking at this completely different, it has had the reverse effect on me. I’m proud of him, I proud of the eating he is doing and the dedicaton he has, and I’m even more proud and thankful of the inspiration and dedication he/it has given ME! Before when I would be trying to eat healthy or lose weight, he wouldn’t be and then when we’d go to his parents house on the weekends, I’d always cave! If he was having that greasy burger and fries, I could have it too! Now? Now he doesn’t have any interest in that type of food, and now instead of just me trying to eat healthy when we go up there, now it’s both of us. We’re a team, we want a family of our own some day, we want to be healthy parents and set good examples for our child(ren), and in order for us to do that, we have to do it for ourselves, first. He supports me, and encourages me when he knows I need it. He KNOWS what I want, and my goals, and what I need to hear… and no, he no longer rubs his weight loss in my face… we talk about it, and encourage and compliment each other like we should be doing! We are proud of ourselves and each other!

So, as you can see by this incredibly long post – I HAVE done a lot of reflection, and reflecting on the changes I have encountered in the past month. I’m looking at it in a whole new light, and I am so very very proud of myself.

re·flec·tion (ri flek′s̸hən) 1. the fixing of the mind on some subject; serious thought; contemplation 2. the result of such thought; idea or conclusion, esp. if expressed in words