Goals, Rewards and other ramblings! April 20, 2009

I got to thinking a little bit this weekend about what I want my reward to be once I hit my goal weight.  I don’t want to go out and have a big fancy meal, I don’t want anything relating to food to be my reward.  Why would I want to reward myself with something that caused me to get where I was in the first place? 

So I thought, and I thought about a handful of things that I would love to do as a reward to myself for accomplishing something I have been wanting for so very long. 

Makeover:  Thought about this, however I can do my make up and hair and dress half way normal WITH extra weight, what will I beable to do withOUT that extra weight?  That’s a challenge I want to do all by my lonesome!  Spend oodles of time and hours looking for my new fun clothes, at my own little pace! 

Tattoo:  I’ve been wanting a tattoo for some time.  Nothing extravagant, just something fairly small to signify my life, and attitude towards daily challenges… and to remind me when the going get tough, to keep pushing through.  I’ve thought about getting chinese characters of Strength, Faith, Love and Hope; I have also thought about getting the word Serenity written somewhere where I can see it every single day, perhaps on the inside of my wrist – just very small.  I was looking at the Serenity prayer, and I just love it.   I’ve thought about a few other things, but for now, these are what have come to mind. 

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

Trip/Vacation: I would love to plan a vacation/trip in honor of me reaching my goal weight, but I’m not real sure at how achievable it is.  I would love to tell myself to plan a beautiful trip to somewhere tropical where I can for once feel comfortable in my own skin and not hiding under ridiculous amounts of clothing, etc… but I don’t want to say I’m going to go somewhere and then not go.  If I set a goal, and tell myself I am going to do it… I want to do it. 

Family Pictures:  I would love for Chris and I to go have some nice pictures taken of the two of us.  He is trying hard himself to get healthier, and he has been working very hard at it.  Of all the pictures him and I have over the past 4.5 years; to finally see us in a picture where we look so different, so much more alive… that would be great. 

Special Gift:  I’m not sure yet what this special gift would be; perhaps it’d be something that both Chris and I want or have wanted.  Maybe it’s a new bedroom set, or a new something for the house or… I don’t know, maybe even a child.  Maybe once we reach our goal weights and are healthier, and more dedicated to ourselves and our lives, maybe at that point we will realize that we are ready to have children of our own.  We don’t want to be the parents who can’t go outside and play with their kiddos or parents who are always so so very tired that they cannot go anywhere or do anything.  That is not fair to your child if you are giving up things for them to do in life because you let your own weight get out of hand.  So, the special gift could be many things… time will tell!

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On another note, sorry if this is TMI, but I just have to talk about this.  As you may or may not know, I have PCOS.  It is SO very common in women, and unfortunately it can deprive you of SO many things in life… one of them being children.  This is a tremendous fear for me as I would do just about ANYTHING to have a child of my very own.  I was diagnosed when I was 17-18 years old, I hadn’t had my period yet… and I was started to feel left out.  That sounds strange, but when you reach your senior year in high school and all of your friends at one time or another talk about their monthly cycle being a pain, etc – you feel weird, or left out because you don’t know how to act; as you don’t want to tell them that you don’t have your period yet.  Most girls get them in middle school.  Now, of course, looking back it was a perfectly fine thing that I didn’t get it until later in my school years… however, that was one of the main reasons for the diagnosis. 

After I was diagnosed, my doctor put me on Yasmin birth control, and my periods came monthly just like anyone else.  Eventually I don’t know what happened, but about a year and a half after I was diagnosed, I ended up getting pregnant, only to miscarry at 8 weeks.  It was bittersweet about the miscarriage, horrible that it happened… however, I was happy to know that I COULD get pregnant – or at least I did that one time.  I eventually had to be taken off my birth control pills because I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden which is a blood clotting disorder, and has an increased tendency to form abnormal blood clots (and cause pregnancy complications).  So, with having the Factor V, I could no longer be on any hormonal birth control due to the clotting factor that these have; which mean’t I could no longer be on birth control, which helped manage my PCOS/periods.  I absolutely did NOT want to take any chances of getting a blood clot.  My mom has this, my uncle and another aunt have the FV Leiden, in fact my uncle almost died from a blood clot, and my mom’s dad who died at age 46 of a heart attack, had clots too – however he was never diagnosed with the FV Leiden.  It just wasn’t a risk that I was willing to take; so off the birth control I went.  After about a year of having less than 5 periods in 12 months, I started dieting and I ended up losing about 35 lbs… after I started eating healthier and losing weight, my hormones were leveling out and my monthly periods were returning!  This was great, however I eventually gained back that weight and low and behold, my periods disappeared once again to a once every 3 months type deal over the past year.  This past January I started eating healthier again, and starting in February I got my P, and then about 29 days later in March, I got it again… and now here we are in April, and I got it again, right on day 27-28… this is a huge motivator for me… who would have thought getting your monthly cycle would be a motivator for someone to continue losing weight?  I didn’t.  Chris and I had a long discussion this weekend about children, and when we would like to start our own family… and I have ALWAYS been absolutely terrified and concerned about the fact that we will have trouble conceiving because I don’t ever get my periods.  Now that I know healthy eating, exercising and weight loss will help keep my cycle under control, and montly… I’ll be damned if I’m going to stop now.  I want a baby, and that is that… So, just another reason why I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.  It’s not too hard to weigh out… chocolates, sweets, over-abundance of carbs, pop and no periods which means extra trouble getting pregnant… or, healthy eating, less sweets, good carbs, less/no pop, and monthly cycles which means better chances of getting pregnant……….. I bet you know which one I will pick!  ;o)

So, needless to say – as of yesterday, I was still down 1 lb from my last weigh in at Snap on Wednesday the 15th, however this AM I was up 2 lbs – I usually always go up a little bit when my P rolls around… and this is okay!  I know it’s my body doing wonky things, and I know come later this week or early next week, I’ll be right back to square one.  Any other time, this would have discouraged me and I would have thrown in the towel.  It’s a known fact that us females go through highs and lows (and hell and back!  Oh, our poor husbands!) that week out of the month, and I can’t feel guilty for getting on the scale tonight with one of my coaches and seeing a gain.  It’s just the way it is, and that’s okay – they as well as I understand! 

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I have been doing more reflecting over the past week.  I have been working hard at keeping the attitude I currently have… it’s what keeps ME going, and apparently inspiring others.  I’m so proud of that, and I’m so happy that me of all people, who 6 months ago would have rather stayed curled up in my own shell, is now starting to come OUT of that shell and be the person she truthfully wants to be.  This is HUGE!  I’m learning things that I can and cannot do, when I’m pushing it too far, and when I just need to step back and analyze what I’m doing so I don’t get tired or burn’t out.  Thankfully I haven’t had a whole lot of burn out feelings or tired feelings – because seeing the changes in my body is making it absolutely worth it, and inspiring myself to keep on, keepin’ on.  This past week, however – I have had a little lower routine as far as physical workouts go.  I blame my parents.  No, no, I’m totally kidding! 🙂 I only blame my parents because they were on vacation in California from Wednesday until yesterday, and I missed them at the gym.  I haven’t done the weight machines since last Monday, 7 days ago.  For that week prior, I was feeling pretty sore, and it took about 4 days to finally not feel like my arm was constantly carrying a 50 lb weight around… however, I know I didn’t need to have off the past 7 days from those weight machines like I did.  Monday night, my parents and I worked out like normal – 30 mins cardio and about 45 min to an hour on the weight machines.  Tuesday, they don’t usually work out, so I was going to go on my own.  I drove seperate to our park n’ ride to drive straight to Snap right after work as normal, except I made a horrible choice to read for about 5 miles in the car, on the way home from work, while sitting in the back seat.  Apparently that’s all it took for my stomach to start flopping in circles, and to migrate it’s way up my throat.  I drove home with the A/C on, windows down – fighting off the urge to get sick.  I got home, spent some time outside in the nice breeze, had a little relaxing time on the couch and then after about an hour, my stomach finally settled down and I started cleaning.  You know that strange feeling when you have the flu and then you puke and right after you feel a strange sense of energy?  That’s how I felt, only I didn’t have to throw up in order to get that way.  I changed into my comfy clothes at home, and got moving – I cleaned the whole house, vaccumed out my car, I broke out in a nice big sweat, and it felt great!  So, thankfully when I didn’t think I was going to get my workout in, I at least got some sort of physical activity.  Wednesday evening, I went to workout – weighed in, got measured, spent quite a long time talking with my coaches (who seriously owe a tremendous amount of thanks to, because they, especially Kari the owner got me to where I am right now, and I am SO thankful!) and it soon got to be 7:30/8pm and it dawned on me that our puppy (1.5 yr old german shepherd, ha!) was at home!!  He is usually at my parents house, outside but since they weren’t going to be home, Chris left him at home!  I got a late start getting to Snap anyways, since I started work an hour later than usually since I had to bring my parents to the airport, but still… so, I quickly did at least 15 minutes on the treadmill and ventured home.  I was sad I wasn’t able to work out like normal, as I had planned to do the weight machines and workout routine as normal, but Duke was happy to see me – and I ended up going to bed early anyways, which worked out well in the end.  Thursday then, I had a pre-scheduled 60 minute massage after work, from 5 until 6, and the plan was to go straight to Snap afterwards and do my workout… well, I didn’t leave my massage until 6:30, by the time I got to Snap it was nearly 7, Duke was at my parents house this time with their dog since I had planned to be home later anyways… and I got on the Arc Trainer like normal, and I was so incredibly out of breath, SO quick… I could barely catch my breath, I had to keep trying to yawn to get a deep breath, I just didn’t have the umpf and feeling I normally had; I felt strange.  So, after 10 minutes on the Arc, when I normally can do 30 without a problem, I got on the treadmill and finished there for 20 minutes.  Still not filling well and with it being about 8 or so by now (as I had talked to Kari for a while!) I headed home… I just wasn’t feeling right.  After I got home, I relaxed a bit – drank some water, and went to bed.  Friday, I don’t remember what I did… I had plans of weighing in, but then I remembered that there was no coaching that night – so I went home and cleaned the house again.  This past weekend, didn’t really consist of a lot other than Chris and I spenting quite a bit of time together, which was much needed.  Some days I forget who I’m married to since we only see each others on the weekend as we work opposite shifts! 

So, as you can see – I didn’t have the best workout week, however worked out at least a little none-the-less!  I’m looking forward to tonight, I’ve missed it and it’s always fun when my parents are there, just because we have fun while there!  And, tonight and hopefully for the next month Chris will be coming with us too!  He went back to working days for the next month as he is training on a machine that my dad is running!  My dad and Chris work at the same place, and have the same occupation – and now they’ll be working on the same machine! 🙂  So, all 4 of us will be working out now… one little happy nerdy family!  Ha!

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So with yet another extremely long winded post that got way too indepth, I will leave you with a song my mom told me about this morning that she said is her new favorite.  I have a slight feeling it’s going to become my new favorite too… if you can figure out why!

Do more than exist, LIVE.
Do more than touch, FEEL.
Do more than look, OBSERVE.
Do more than read, ABSORB.
Do more than hear, LISTEN.
Do more than listen, UNDERSTAND,
Do more than think, PONDER.
Do more than talk, SAY SOMETHING.

– John H. Rhoades

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“By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be.” -Mark Victor Hansen